every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
