Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize