I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
