He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
