I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
