Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
