upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
