he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
