i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
