no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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