i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just want to make out with him forever
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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