and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
