I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Never joke about your clitoris.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
