the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize