i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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