Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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