Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
