I'm going to jail i love you
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so let's talk penis.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
