i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
