I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
