So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You're like the curious george of whores
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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