Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
