would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
