thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
