just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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