We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Randomize
