They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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