The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize