I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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