I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
