Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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