its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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