Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize