look no pants
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
