Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
