He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
