roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
