I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
