I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
