no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
