I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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