I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think people are normalizing furries
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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