i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
