The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
