My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
