ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
