I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
