We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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