Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
