What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
