i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
