I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The air was thick with penises
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
