he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
