It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Even my vagina gasped.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
