so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
