I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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