i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize