The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
