Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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