And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
