Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
